Why do we have a Courageous Conversations Ministry Team?
During Atonement’s year of Intentional Interim (2015?), the congregation participated in generating a Transition Report which identified key actions desired to enrich our community and worship experiences. Survey respondents identified kinship and communication as congregational strengths, but also suggested the need for improved communications when we were in disagreement.
From the report: Atonement’s thoughtful, caring environment can lead to some reluctance to engage issues or topics that are perceived as potentially difficult or divisive. When these issues concern church policies and ministries, or interpersonal conflict, it is important that the congregation have mechanisms for addressing and working through the topic, so that the church can move forward in its growth.
What are Courageous Conversations?
A Courageous Conversation (Called Crucial Conversations in some literature*) is a discussion between two or more people in which:
stakes are high, (that is, the topic/resolution is important to you)
opinions vary, (meaning there is disagreement)
emotions run strong (the topic is heartfelt as well as intellectual), and
courage may be required to “stay at the table” and have the conversation.
(Most of us are uncomfortable with confrontation, and this can be especially true in our faith community.)
When we are faced with disagreements, we can do one of three things:
Avoid them (universally the most popular)
Face them and handle them poorly (Volume over logic, intransigence, anger, attack, not listening to the other person)
Face them and handle them well (Listen. Be curious. Ask questions. Be open to other ideas.)
Why is it important to talk about things?
Conflict and confrontation are often viewed as strictly negative events, but they can actually be positive, if handled appropriately. Disagreement is not unusual and needn’t be divisive. When we find ourselves holding different or opposing opinions, respectful, inquisitive conversations will help us grow as a community to meet our purpose as Atonement Lutheran Church – which is to celebrate God’s love and grace; trust in the Holy Spirit for guidance; and serve as disciples of Jesus Christ in the world. This is exciting work and we need everyone engaged and willing to speak up with ideas and feedback!
The Primary Purpose of the Ministry Team
The initial purpose of the Courageous Conversations Task Force was to raise awareness of the need to talk about important things rather than avoid them. We have arranged annual workshops on Courageous Conversations to introduce skills which can be used in any context—church, home, work, etc. We have also facilitated a variety of congregational conversations which begin with acknowledging the essential components of behavioral expectations regarding discussions. The ongoing need for support in this area prompted the transition from ad hoc task force to ministry team.
The team has developed some tools and a bibliography of resources which approach the topic from a variety of viewpoints, offering helpful insights and tips to manage what we might expect to be an uncomfortable conversation. Links to these can be found below.
Our ongoing purpose is to support the growing culture of courageous conversations in any congregational context. This is not a one-and-done exercise, but a process embedded in our community interactions and communications. The goal of Courageous Conversations at Atonement is to help us create and maintain a culture of mutual respect, and an environment in which it is safe to disagree. We believe that there is more that unites us than divides us. We also acknowledge that it can be difficult to express disagreement, or question things/people around practices, beliefs, and behaviors. This is true even when the people involved are very close, whether they be friends, co-workers, fellow church members/leaders, or even (in some cases especially) family members.
Resources: How can I learn more?
A Toolkit for Planning a Courageous Conversation
We have developed a toolkit to help people who think they may need to have a courageous conversation. A link is provided below. It includes guidance to help you determine:
If the issue is one that you wish to pursue
Who are the persons with whom you need to have this discussion
Your objective in holding the discussion and
How to have this conversation in a positive and beneficial way.
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzer
This book has served as our core resource and contains a great deal of insight and tools for “talking when the stakes are high.” You may be able to check out a copy from the Atonement Library. You may wish to read the book summary we created for this text, which is available here.
Forbearance: A Theological Ethic for a Disagreeable Church by James Calvin Davis
We find the content of this book useful to help us model what we wish to see in conversations, not only within the confines of our church, but in the world. It provides a theological basis for hearing each other out and staying in community while we work through differences. It is our sincere hope that you will find this book to be an opportunity to acquire some new tools. Here is a link to a summary of the book.
I Never Thought of it That Way by Monica Guzman
In this book, the author provides a wide variety of tips and suggestions about how to have “fearlessly curious conversations in dangerously divided times.” We have found this to be a useful companion piece to Crucial Conversations that approaches the topic from a stance rooted in curiosity. What is the other person’s story? Why do they feel as they do? What can I learn from them? We have put together two resources from this book, a full summary and a one-pager of some of the most helpful tips. You are certainly encouraged to read the entire book for a complete view of Ms. Guzman’s valuable insights.
How to Know a Person by David Brooks
In this excellent book, David Brooks is “driven by his trademark sense of curiosity and his determination to grow as a person. He draws from the fields of psychology and neuroscience and from the worlds of theater, philosophy, history and education to present a welcoming, hopeful, integrated approach to human connection.” If you enjoyed Monica Guzman’s “I Never Thought of it That Way”, which Brooks mentions, (not a prerequisite) you will appreciate Brooks’ deeper dive into why conversations with all kinds of people – even those with whom we disagree – are so necessary. Here is a link to a summary of this book.
Talk to any Courageous Conversations Team Member
If you have any questions about the Courageous Conversations process or resources, please contact any of the current members of this Ministry Team: Andre Dion, Jackie Glover, Hunter McDaniel, Jan Osburn, Susan Rose, Rebecca Scarborough, William Wharton, or Jan Ydstie-Roy.
How can I get involved?
Talk to any member of the Courageous Conversations Ministry Team. We are always excited to have new members!